IF YOU HAVE LOST A PET....

By Ann Palik, MA, MFT

Our relationships with our pets are some of our most precious. They give us trusting and unconditional love, entertain us, listen to our secrets, and are always there for us. Some animals even provide assistance for people with disabilities. Losing a pet can leave us with a muddle of other feelings in addition to the sadness: anger, anxiety about other problems we couldn’t address because we were so busy caring for our sick pet, and also possibly guilt, especially if your pet died suddenly or of an unknown cause. We may think to ourselves, "He/she trusted me to take care of him. Should I have taken him/her to the vet sooner"? Or maybe we are not convinced our pet got the right medical attention. Losing a pet can also bring up pain from previous losses we have experienced.

When we lose a pet, we may encounter well-meaning people who do not understand why we are so upset about losing "just an animal." They may encourage us just to "get another one." Not everyone is bonded in the same way to their animals, and that’s okay. But it’s not

whether our loved one was a person or an animal that determines our "right" to be upset. It’s the quality of the relationship and the level of our love. It’s hard to recover fully from the loss of a long, possibly many-year, relationship in just a few days or weeks.

If you have had a loss, it may help to talk about it to someone who you feel understands and will be sympathetic. Grief is a powerful emotion and is one of the most painful we face as human beings. The good news is that if you get a chance to talk and work through some of the pain, grief is a time-limited process. Over time, the pain recedes a bit, and you can access the happy memories of the love you and your pet shared. Also, if you find reading helpful, I like the following two books: Saying Good-Bye to the Pet You Love, by Lorri A. Green, PhD, and Jacquelyn Landis; and When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering, and Healing, by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Both are available on Amazon.com.

Crying, some trouble sleeping, or loss of appetite is normal after a loss. But if you are having physical symptoms that are of concern, please seek medical attention. If you feel you may be "stuck" in grief after a long period of time, you may benefit from professional help.

As Leo Tolstoy said, "Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving counteracts their grief and heals them."

Ann Palik is a licensed marriage & family therapist and a member of the Association for Pet Loss & Bereavement, Inc. She has a special interest in animals and helping people who love them toward more fulfilling lives and relationships. She can be reached at (310) 840-2341, or ann@therapy-conscious.com.


© 2004, Ann Palik.